Meiko - Hawaii

I don't know why i'm still haunted by past events. Have i not confronted them fully or did i try too hard to suppress them? Did i give myself enough time to heal, to come to terms with what had happened? Why can i still not let it go?

Certain images or scenarios that i come across will trigger a flood of bad memories and I feel so helpless when it happens, cos there's nothing i can do that will change anything. When it hits, you just stand there rooted, not being able to talk, move or stop it. And after the flashbacks stop, you just feel so drained.

In all this mess, i wish my happiness didnt matter. I wish i had told myself then, that making others happy was enough for me. I don't need to have everything to live a fulfilling life. I did what i had to do, to survive day by day and that ought to have been enough. I wish i wasn't such a dreamer. All i wanted was to find a place where i can fit in, find my purpose and be myself.

I wish i had someone to talk to right now.. Someone whom i could share my thoughts and emotions with, and not feel afraid of the outcome.

Someone who'd understand.